Ken's Dirty Dives

The dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed. I’m pretty knackered. It’s been an chaotic month, but after spending sometime on the road across a large portion of western Europe, it’s safe to say the cigarette industry is alive and well across all of it, not just Paris as I previously thought. And honestly, as it bloody should be, and Finland, a place which I’ve wanted to come explore for at least a decade, seems to be no exception to this rule.  It’s hard to explain the mix of what feels like Nordic minimalism architecture meets ultra modern, sharp and pointy Scandi styling. It's contemporary and fun, refreshing to the eye, and located somewhere in the middle of this sharp dressed city is The Riff. The UN has consistently rated Finland as one of the happiest countries on earth. How they obtain that statistic is beyond me, but I can say they’re not wrong because Helsinki in general is fabulous, and The Riff is without question one of the coolest bars I’ve been to in my life! Not as ...

Hail Pizza, Eat Satan! Full on metal bar located right in the heart of downtown Oslo! Truly, what a gem of a dive. Anytime I am greeted the sweet ear nectar of Cannibal Corpse or Rope Sect, I know I’m in for a great night!  I got into Oslo after a chaotic month of touring with the band, and even though I had already consumed enough lagers and durries to last me ‘til Christmas, I figured I should treat myself to a night out on the town. After all, I deserved a pint or two for my efforts for the last month.  As chaotic as the tour was, the shows were great, the rooms were full, we made some loot and (hopefully) our new agent is happy. Or as happy as an agent can be, miserable pricks. The icing on the cake being, we only had one major blow up, which I’d call that a success considering the quantity of testosterone floating around our tour van.  After visiting Helsinki & Tallinn, Oslo was pretty much on par with what I expected from any major Scandinavian city. I tel...