Hail Pizza, Eat Satan! Full on metal bar located right in the heart of downtown Oslo! Truly, what a gem of a dive. Anytime I am greeted the sweet ear nectar of Cannibal Corpse or Rope Sect, I know I’m in for a great night! I got into Oslo after a chaotic month of touring with the band, and even though I had already consumed enough lagers and durries to last me ‘til Christmas, I figured I should treat myself to a night out on the town. After all, I deserved a pint or two for my efforts for the last month.
As chaotic as the tour was, the shows were great, the rooms were full, we made some loot and (hopefully) our new agent is happy. Or as happy as an agent can be, miserable pricks. The icing on the cake being, we only had one major blow up, which I’d call that a success considering the quantity of testosterone floating around our tour van.
After visiting Helsinki & Tallinn, Oslo was pretty much on par with what I expected from any major Scandinavian city. I tell ya, these guys have really figured it out. Public transport is a breeze, the streets are clean, little to no homelessness, people are super friendly and helpful and like Helsinki there seems to be zero rules on modern architecture. Which coming from England, is refreshing but slightly odd to me. I say “odd” because everything in Jolly Olde needs to be kept “within keeping” with its surroundings, which is a fucking daft concept if you ask me. Don't get me wrong, I love farting about in the Cotswolds and seeing old thatched roofs just as much as the next guy, and I really love not seeing the neon glow of the Golden Arches glued to the side of some old building. However, just because some buildings in the neighbourhood are still standing from the Tudor period, doesn’t mean we need to continue this detailing any longer. Ridiculous logic for a ridiculous country.
Weirdly though, Oslo doesn’t seem to have an “old town” like Tallinn or Cartagena. I might be wrong in saying that, but I certainly couldn’t find anything myself. Judging by how pragmatic, and forward thinking Scandinavian people are, I would assume that if some old hut from the 1,200's wasn’t cutting the mustard anymore, I imagine they paved over it and built something more practical. And honestly, I can’t blame em. The world wants an EV chargers at every corner, albeit they’re terrible for the envíame utterly unsustainable in the long term, but since some 14 year old called Greta has an opinion, the old shit needs to go.
Somewhere on my travels I found a really awesome record store that doubles as a Black Metal Museum, if you’re unfamiliar with Black Metal, that’s ok; you’ll probably hate it. I will admit, it’s not my first go to but I certainly appreciate it. Having sat in a tour van for a number of years and knowing the ins and outs and the bullshit that goes along with being in a band, I have to give it to bands like Mayhem, Venom, or Napalm Death because these guys dedicate their lives to an extremely niece sub genre of music. Like it or not, in my mind it deserves some appreciation at the very least.
Like I said though, Vaterland is a true gem among the world of rock n roll dive bars. Just the right amount of shit on the walls, a soundtrack that would please Satan himself, some deadly good Za, and some of Norways finest beers on tap. What more do you want?
6/6.
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