The Riff - Helsinki

The dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed. I’m pretty knackered. It’s been an chaotic month, but after spending sometime on the road across a large portion of western Europe, it’s safe to say the cigarette industry is alive and well across all of it, not just Paris as I previously thought. And honestly, as it bloody should be, and Finland, a place which I’ve wanted to come explore for at least a decade, seems to be no exception to this rule. 

It’s hard to explain the mix of what feels like Nordic minimalism architecture meets ultra modern, sharp and pointy Scandi styling. It's contemporary and fun, refreshing to the eye, and located somewhere in the middle of this sharp dressed city is The Riff. The UN has consistently rated Finland as one of the happiest countries on earth. How they obtain that statistic is beyond me, but I can say they’re not wrong because Helsinki in general is fabulous, and The Riff is without question one of the coolest bars I’ve been to in my life! Not as dingy as the Bovine, and certainly not as filthy as the carpet at Frankie's, but it's almost like a clean CroBar meets Vaterland. Immediately welcomed by the sweet sounds of Popeda and a pint of gin & grapefruit juice (a “Sin & Juice” as I dubbed ‘em), I felt at home. The patio was thriving with more leather and lace than Mötley Crüe’s tour circa 1987 and best of all, it was only 5:30 in the arvo. I presume because winters only a week or so away people were out making the most of the sunshine. I get the feeling Helsinki is colder than a witches tit come February.

The Riffs dressed in our usual dive bar attire, the bathrooms littered with graffiti and stickers, and the bar itself has a bunch of signed guitars hangings and some sick blown up pictures with the usual suspects, but also some close to home additions among them which was a nice touch. Finnish goth metal gods such as The 69 Eyes, HIM, and of course Andy McCoy of Hanoi Rocks just to name a few. Now there’s a band I would have loved to have seen back in the day. Perhaps pre 1984 though with Razzle. RIP.

As for the rest of Helsinki, I highly recommend a visit. For reasons unknown to me there’s a massive sauna culture here. I don’t quite understand it if I’m honest, but the Finn’s love to sauna, so pack your swimming cozzy. They reckon sometimes upwards of 4 times a week. Not only are people super friendly and as much as I apologized profusely from not being able to speak Suomi, the general public is extremely fashion orientated. A subject I would consider myself to be reasonably poor in if I’m being honest. I know nothing about fashion, and I’m fine with it. I think sadly, and much to my dismay, I inherited my father’s sense of styling, which is a pair of black jeans and a band shirt. Any occasion that requires attire outside of this get up, I would kindly ask you to accept my rejected RSVP. It’s nothing personal I just don’t do 4 piece Tommy Nutter suites and caviar. That said though, I find the vast majority of Europe to be better dressed than how some of the riff raff presents themselves in North America. Trust me, the Walmart fashion designers are thriving on Welland Ave where I kid you not, people go out in their pyjamas. 

I enjoyed The Riff so much I made a second appearance the following night after a surprisingly epic day across the Baltic in Estonia. It really caught me off guard how breath taking the architect was inside the walled city of Tallinn, I'm not sure on all the history here, but I do know that Estonia was strangled for far too long until the iron claw of communism and the USSR. I spent much of the day there hoping around from bars to record shops, from look out towers to finding cobble stoned back alleys and gorgeous churches.  Having caught a slight buzz from sucking back a few Estonia's finest lagers, I caught the ferry back and b-lined it for a few more gin and grapefruit's. I took a walk through the harbour front, which is plentiful here and found a tinnie of Karhu (or two) for the walk back to the hostel. Before calling it a night I stumbled across a food truck serving reindeer burgers, feeling like it would be rude of me to not partake, I ordered a double Rudolph & Chips. Spilling sauce all over myself I decided it was now time to call it a night. 

All up, Helsinki is an epic little city. Not only are the people wonderful, the views incredible, and bands to come outta Finland are almost as good as some of their race car drivers, Finland is also home to the Molotov Cocktail. The Molotov was a WWII petrol bomb they made to throw at the Soviets during the Winter War as a tongue & cheek “up yours” to Vyacheslav Molotov. Inspirational stuff. 

Honourable mention to Harry’s Bar as well, anywhere that plays Cherry Pie by Warrant deserves my business. 

Cheers. 

6/6.